Expert opinions on love and compatibility, and the interaction between biology and behavior. 

by Hara Estroff Marano and Carlin Flora

We talked to a variety of experts who could be expected to provide insight into these key qualities. From family researchers to matchmakers, each has watched countless couples draw together and pull apart. And each suggested the same thing: We’re looking at love all wrong.

Compatibility does not hinge on some personal inventory of traits. Compatibility isn’t something you have. It’s something you make. It’s a process, one that you negotiate as you go along. Again and again. It’s a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work.

And while we’re redefining compatibility, let’s banish its more combustible cousin, “chemistry,” that black box of a term too often invoked to denote the magic ingredient of a good relationship. Chemistry is an alluring concept, but much too frequently people use it to absolve themselves of the need to consciously examine their approach to one another. As if the muse of love will alight on their shoulder and sprinkle fairy dust on them, and then they will suddenly open their eyes and behold The Perfect Mate—without prying open their own heart, embracing an unwavering willingness to see the other in a positive light or doing the hard work of exploring, knowing and respecting another human being.

Love operates on many levels. It involves a dauntingly complex interplay of biology and behavior. But it operates best when we add a certain spirit, when we consciously shape our relationships through an attitude of goodwill. Here, experts weigh in:

See a very interesting and scientific article on chemistry and attribute matching for date selection by Hara Estroff Marano and Carlin Flora in Psychology Today.